Faux-Balance

There are 84 days between the Hyannis marathon and me.  My leg is back to 90% and I’m back to eating well.  I did not run today, but I’ll be ramping back up my running schedule this coming week.  I missed a scheduled 9 miler (not to mention a full week of running), but I’m confident with 12 weeks to go I can pull it off.  After Hyannis, there is Tupper Lake Tri, a handfull of training races, and then .... well, um .... 

I got the new triathlete magazine in the mail yesterday.  I read the article titled “Bookends” first.  It’s very short and talks about the fact that the same coach (Nick White) coached both the first finisher (Craig Alexander) and the very last finisher (Joe Marinucci).  Call me a sap, but I got very choked up reading the juxtaposition of the two men and they day at Kona.  I was equally moved by the fact that Crowie was at the finish line to cheer Joe in and signed his Ironman guide “To the other bookend, well done.”  Name one other sport where the world champion would cheer an average “Joe” on?  I also got very emotional because I thought, that could be me (I mean the one who finishes with only 103 seconds on the clock).  I can’t really put into words why I want to do an Ironman, but when I read a story like this, I feel so drawn to it, inspired by the thought of it.  It makes me feel like I can pretty much do anything.  I looked up at Carolynn and said, “Don’t ever let me give this up.”

As most trifolk, I constantly struggle with balance.  I don’t believe there is a state called balance, by the way, just our endless struggle for it.  It's as if Balance is a desirable thing anyway.  Balance is like a gray zone.  It is just like the imaginary line between cities on a map.  It's there in theory, but can you walk on it?  If you did manage to walk on it, where are you?  You would be nowhere, in neither city, a gray zone.  What makes that a good thing?  I've come to realize that the struggle I have with the idea of balance is more a struggle with presence of mind.

The one thing holding me back from signing up for the Chesapeakeman IM is the fear that I will not be able to keep up the training schedule.  I know that there are plenty of people that have more demanding jobs than I do and less time to devote.  I have a very understanding partner that gives me the latitude to do what I want to do, but how do I overcome the sense of guilt I feel when I step out the door for a 4 hour bike ride (or 5 or 6)?  There is something in my head that gets in the way of being able to separate and partition my time.  When I’m training, all I think about is being home (or occasionally work).  When I am at work or home, I think about training.  I’m obviously not in the moment in either place and consequently, I give off the perception that I would rather be elsewhere.  That’s the problem.  It's not balance, it's presence.  I don't need to learn balance, I need to learn how to be more present in the tasks I have at hand.  If I have set aside training time, I need to be training.  If I have set aside time to be home, I need to be home, both physically and mentally.  Easier said than done. 

A few pages after the “Bookends” article was a letter to the editor titled “Ironman Training and Avoiding Divorce”.  Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Timelines change, Dreams do not

So you may notice I have left my Kona Counter up to the right.  Do I think I can get there in 2009?  I don't know.  I do know that I will get there, so I left it up.

Life happens.  People get sick, injured.  Work demands change.  The stock market slides into the abyss.  So often people will abandon their dreams in amid the chaos of daily life.  When your circumstances change, the dreams and goals you set for yourself can seem like a pinpoint of light in the center of a huge black box.  Whether it is to be a millionaire or an Ironman, setbacks and obstacles are what make the end result that much more prized.  If it were easy, everyone would do it.  How we respond to setbacks and obstacles is what defines and exposes our true character.  

Don't flush your goals just because your timeline has been changed.  Look at it this way: Goals are like a life partner, you need to nurture, support, forgive, and be committed to them, regardless of what life throws at you.  I'll get to kona. Maybe in 2009, maybe in 2029.  My time line is flexible, my goal is not.

Buckeye outdoors - training plans

Hey!

Anyone use BuckeyeOutdoor to log and post training plans?  I'm going to give it a shot and post my first 4 weeks.  I think I can link it here.  

This week has been a total bust.  Work is incredibly busy and I missed my workout today (great week 1 and already behind!) but i am taking the time to really plan my next week.  I really want to do well in Hyannis and I know if i can stay honest and consistent, a 4:30 is in the bag.

It's a sign!

So I ran a 5k in glen cove today, which actually kicked of week 1 of my marathon training for Hyannis.  It was a brand new race and I helped out the race director by donating the finish line food and volunteers from my work.  It was a nice turn out for a first time race; about 200 runners.  The course was uphill for the first 2 miles then down hill for the last.  Very challenging.  I only ran once this week :( and was just looking to do the best I could today.  It would set my benchmark for the next 20 weeks.  I didn't wear a watch, so as i came around the last turn, just before mile 3, I just let it out.  I was running shoulder to shoulder with a woman.  I turned to her and said, "come on and race me!"  We stayed tight right through the finish.  It was actually a lot of fun.  We shook hands at the end and thanked each other for a great finish.  She looked so familiar.  We chatted for a bit and realized that we saw each other at cow harbor 10k a few weeks ago.  It also turns out we have a common friend.  Anyway, as I crossed I looked at the clock, 30:24.  I would have loved to go under 30, but whatever, 30:24 is actually now my PR for a 5K.  I strolled around a bit and said hi to a lot of people and my finish line friend tapped me on the shoulder.  "You finished 3rd in your age group," she said.  Really? me with a 30:24? "No really, I just checked the results."  It was true.  They called my name and I got a medal.  I hate to be a geek here, but it was cool.  There was 12 people in my age group.  The only other time I placed in a race was a 5k where there was only 4 people in my age group.  I was 3rd and #4 was a walker.  I see today's 3rd place as a certain step up from that.

I'm taking this as an omen, a sign from God that I am entering my best season ever with a ton of potential.  I'm in a really good place right now!  (someone may have to remind me about this a few weeks from now.)

Next Steps Forward

OK. I'm ready to move forward, but where? I don't want to wait until next year, so I'm thinking a race is in order.  Since I bailed on NYC this year, I want to race a mary.  I really want to race one under 5 hours (closer to 4:30 actually).  How about a winter marathon?

I started surfing marathonguide.com and other sites and found the Hyannis Marathon.  February 22, 2009 in Hyannis, Massachucetts.  And guess what? It is just 21 weeks away!  Perfect!  I'm in.  That's it, my next step.  Plan to follow.

Starting over, again

Sometimes the only way forward is to back up.

Obviously, I haven't posted in a while.  I had a really awesome time at the Tupper Lake Tinman 1/2 ironman in June.  I finished the race in 7 hours and 14 minutes.  I was happy with that.  It was my first 1/2 and even though it was 14 minutes more than I had wanted, it was fine.  The run was horribly hot and I still had the remnants of an upper respiratory infection.  I finished and I was happy.  You can check out the pics here: Tupper Lake Pictures

My plan was to finish tupper, take off 2 weeks, train for Mightyman 1/2 ironman and the NYC marathon.  I was feeling very strong as I cruised into Tupper Lake.  I had had the best season ever to that point.  Within 2 weeks back from Tupper things began to change.  I was training, but not enjoying it.  My mood began to disintegrate.  My health began to fall apart too.  I felt sick all the time and my training was getting harder to complete.  I could have been over training, but I dialed back a lot.  Even to the point of taking 2 and 3 rest days to try to get my strength back.  There is a difference between tired and exhausted.  I was exhausted.

Perpetually exhausted and unable to train, I finally went to the doctor.  Was it a lack of b12? Anemia? a virus? Cancer (yes, I thought that)?  My Doc is terrific.  He gave me a full physical and ran every blood test available.  He even gave me a b12 shot.  Three days later he called.  "Jen, you are the picture of perfect health."

Now I could laundry list all of the things in my life that have been putting stress on me; work just sucked, Carolynn was facing her 1 year-out-of-chemo PET scan, I needed a breast biopsy, money was getting tighter, but I didn't feel like any of that was in anyway harder than the year before.  I couldn't make sense of it.  When Carolynn started to use words like "fragile" to describe the state I was in, I knew I was heading down a very scary path.  One I've been down before.  I was heading into (or already in) a depression.  

Three years ago I went on effexor at the suggestion of my doctor because I was experiencing very high anxiety and depression.  It helped me tremendously and allowed me to take back my life, get through the rough patch, and eventually come off the medication.  This time i wasn't experiencing the anxiety, but even with the depression, I did not want to go on medication again.  Don't get me wrong.  I wasn't sitting around crying everyday and I did have a quite "typical" affect most of the time.  I even had a few really good days, but I knew something was wrong and I also knew I couldn't think my way out of it.  It can be very scary.  Thank God for Carolynn.  So patient with me through all of this.  She never got mad or lost her temper.  I knew she was worried about me.  I still can't say exactly what brought me out of it, but I have to believe she had a lot to do with it.

It seemed like after the doctor called with his good health dx and my breast biopsy came back negative, I started to improve.  Carolynn encouraged me to start taking more vitamins which included l-tryptophan at bed time.  I made the decision to run the cow harbor 10K despite the fact that I hadn't trained for it, mostly because I needed the camaraderie.  That went well, all things considered and by some miracle, I shaved a minute off my best time on that course.  Then there was last Friday.  It was raining.  I wanted to go for a run.  I did.  I forgot how much I enjoyed running in the rain.  I felt like my old self again.  Back at my house after 3 wet miles, I sat on my stoop and thought, "Well to go forward from here, I've got to start back at the beginning again."

Here I am.  Back at the beginning and ready to move forward again. 

Milestones

Milestones aren’t always personal records or huge significant events. What constitutes a one persons milestone is a very personal thing. Actually, how we define forward movement along any given path we travel says a lot about what’s important to us, how we feel about our journey, and sometimes, what we see as points of no return. None the less, milestones, like mile markers in a race, break life into digestible pieces. Some miles are good, others maybe not so much.

Here are my milestones at the middle of week 4 in my 20 week half iron distance training program:

I made it this far.
I got through my first real brick workout with minimal discomfort
I ran my first double digit LSD 2 weeks earlier than planned
I missed my first workout due to overdoing a previous one and frying my legs (See above for reference)
I had my first back/neck strain from my swim form collapsing during a longish set
I paid my money and locked in entry for the Tupper Lake Tinman ½ Iron man, NYC marathon, and Gold Coast Triathlon

There they are. Some good, some not so good, some points-of –no-return, all represent forward motion of my goals.

There have been times in a race, especially early on in long ones, when I barely notice the mile markers. I have often thought to myself that was a good thing. It meant that I was doing my thing and not obsessing about where I was at any given moment. Towards the end though, I am waiting (maybe praying) to see the markers on the horizon. As in, “Where the hell is mile 23!!!!” I’m a triathlete, a marathoner! I crave the passing of mile markers. It’s like a drug. When they don’t come on the schedule I want, I begin withdrawal symptoms; restlessness, slight panic, and despair. Then boom, my mile marks shows up and all is well with the world.

When you do something for a long time and you don’t see forward motion or progress as quickly as you want, you can get pretty desperate in your thinking. I have recently found this applies to everything thing in life; including work. It takes a funny mix of drive and patience not to make yourself crazy trying to balance forward movement of your career (or project, or department) and the delay we often encounter in meeting self imposed milestones. It’s like getting yourself to put one foot in front of the other at mile 20-something with no sign of a mile marker anywhere. You just have to trust it’s out there ahead of you. You have to trust the route you have chosen. You have to be in the moment of the journey, where you are. In life, business, relationships, and races, each step can be a milestone. Some good, some not so good, some points-of –no-return, all represent forward motion.

Base Training AH-HA!

Three weeks into my training season and I can say that I've had my first AH-HA! moment (I hope Oprah didn't trademark that)

Every base season, I struggle with the idea of "easy". Being a back of the packer, "easy" often means walking or spinning away and huffing at 12.5 miles/hour. Over the past three of my "athletic years" I have struggled coming out of the off season and my first week of training is a walk and barely a ride. It was the right thing however for where I was at. I typically ignored the right thing and I plowed into training, strapping my garmin on from my very first run and obsessing over my pace. OK so we all know how that turns out. I fry myself, get injured, or work harder to make less gains. It's also important to note that each of my previous off seasons have been twice as long (like nothing from November to February) and I typically gain 10 pounds (on top of the extra 25 I've held on to forever). You can just imagine the disaster and disappointment that made up my base seasons of yester-year.

This year is decidedly different for me. First, my off season was only 4 weeks and I threw in a few unscheduled workouts during that time. Second, instead of gaining 10, I lost 20. I also set myself up for a great season with high expectations and a good mindset. This year I have yet to take my garmin out of the drawer. All of my training to this point has been by feel. I've walked a little, i've eased up on the gearing if I needed to, held back on the wall an extra 10 sec if necessary. Some days I have virtually fallen asleep at the dinner table. Even though I think I am on the right track, I really miss the sense of progress and feedback you get from the pace/HR monitor. Today was an AH-HA for me and it came in the form of a brick.

I was scheduled for an ez 45 minute ride followed by an ez 15 minute run. It was freezing cold this morning and I am a total sissy, so I opted for a 6:30 spin class and the treadmill. I have been doing all of my riding at home on the trainer using the spinerveral DVD's. Most of them have been pretty tough, strength focused workouts. I work through them, burning my legs longer than my lungs.

I got to spin class with good energy. The class was very aerobic, lots of out of the saddle, high spinning, only a few climbs in the seat. I was going to stop at 45 minutes, but I felt really, really great and hung in for the full 60 (65 with my warm up). I worked up a sweat and put in a solid effort. I got right off and hopped on a treadmill in the adjacent room. Started at a very conservative 11:00/mile. My legs felt great. I started to increase the speed every minute until I topped out at 9:20/mile and ended my 15 minutes actually wishing I could go longer! It was like an early season win. AH-HA! Base training does work!

Check out http://noslackers.blogspot.com/ and post your AH-HA workouts to comments!

The Myth of Organization

Organization is not one of my hard wired traits. It is actually a discipline that I have had to learn, and re-learn, and learn again. Because this triathlon season is so important to me, I decided to dedicate a lot of effort this year to organizing; my time, my gear, my clothes, my life. I know that to achieve my goals, I need to execute my training plan consistently and I need to "fit it all in".
I dusted off my franklin covey day planner, bought some shiny new highlighters, blocked out a chunk of time each day to schedule and re-shuffle my schedule, I am determined to be organized. All in an effort to flow from one activity to another, achieving all of my appointments, workouts, and tasks. I even color coded chunks of my day to correspond to my priorities. I actually enjoy the intellectual pursuit of trying to fit 30 hours of crap into a 24 hour day! Plan, plan, plan! With all of this organization I should be super productive and highly effective. Right? After all if "fail to plan is a plan to fail" then "plan to succeed is a successful plan"

Why then am I left at the end of each day, discouraged and disappointed that my to do list is not done and I find that I'm doing yellow labeled priorities in pink highlighted time slots? I'm not enjoying the execution part. I don't find I have any more time and I'm not doing any more than I was before (except maybe more scheduling). So what gives?

Well, to start, you can't fit 30 hours in a 24 hour day AND you shouldn't try. Just being organized and planning up the wazoo won't help you with the execution part! I guess I had a little of my demon creeping up on me. Just because I think I "SHOULD" do or be something doesn't mean what I am right now isn't good enough. Trying to over-organize my highly un-organized spirit, it was like trying to teach a frog to fly. I need a little of the haphazardness of my life back. I need to get back in touch with my inner frog! When will I get this through my thick head?!

I'm throwing out my highlighters tomorrow!

I've been a little remiss in posting here! Sorry bout that.

Here I am in week 19 and my training is going well. My legs are feeling tight and strong. I'm anxious to get on the road. I've screwed up my swims though just haven't been able to get them done ;-(

I can't say I've been myself lately though. My mood has been, well, bipolar to say the least. I usually have a high threshold for stress and that fuse is significantly shorter these days. I'm snapping quite frequently and my usual funny sarcasam has taken on a bite. I know that it could be training and nutrition related. I have a similar personality misfire when I go off carbs for more than 2-3 weeks, but it is so early in the season and I'm not carb restricting so I'm hoping it will go away. If it doesn't I might end up single!

It could be I just need a vacation. It's been exactly a year since my last one. Probably too long.

601 days to Kona 2009.
No i don't have a spot......YET!

Oh My Aching Piriformis!

Ouch.

My piriformis muscle on my left side is KILLING me. I swapped out my hill repeats for a strength building spinervals DVD. When I got on the treadmill tonight to do a hill workout WOW it let me know it was angry!

I streched well tonight and will use some trigger point therapy later on.

If you are interested, I set up a blog called "No Slackers". You can catch it on the right. I will post my daily workout there and if you want to follow along you can have it emailed to you. Beyond that, I would find it most encouraging if you post your daily workout to the comments. I always like to know that I'm not out there alone. Let's just keep it nice. No trash talking. As far as I'm concerned if you show up, put in 100%, I don't care if you walked a mile or ran a marathon. It's all good. Just post it to keep motivated. Pass it along to whoever you like. Runners, Walkers, Triathletes, Whatever....... just no slackers.


605 days to Kona 2009

Week 20: Training begins today!

I’ll be posting my weekly workout schedule if anyone wants to comment. There are exactly 20 weeks to Tupper Lake so here is week 20:

Tuesday
Swim: 2x200 warm up, 8x25/20sec, 2x200 cool down
Bike: 5 mile warm up, 8x30sec hill repeats, 5 mile EZ pace

Wednesday
Swim: 10x100 drills
Run: 1 mile warm up, 8x30sec hill repeats/1 min recovery, 1 mile cool down

Thursday
Brick: 45 minute bike, 15 minute run EZ pace

Friday
Swim: 2x200 warm up, 8x25/20sec, 2x200 cool down
Bike: 30 minute tempo ride

Saturday
Bike: 60 minute
Run: 30 minute

Sunday
Run: 50 minutes
Swim: 1100 meters

And how does my first day go?!? The ONLY snow all year and slip sliding on my way to the JCC (I didn’t make it)! I swapped the hill repeat workout with a strength building Spinervals DVD and will make up my Swim on Thursday AM. Good enough. Work has been tragically hectic and I need to focus on getting everything in this week. I can do it.

BTW, I got a new bike. Not new in the actual sense, just new to me. It is a Fuji Aloha and I picked it up for pennies on ebay. I also snagged a new ultegra rear derailuer and 10 speed cassette for less than 100 bucks. I am so good to go.

Happy Training All!
140 days to Tupper Lake
606 days to Kona 2009

I'm BAAAAAACK!

I’m Baaaaaaack!

My season officially kick starts on February 10 with day one of a 20 week half iron distance training plan. I have been completing transitional workouts to get geared up for the schedule. Mostly just for time and mostly just to get into the habit of working out again. I am both excited and apprehensive about the next 10 months. Excited because I feel like I am in the best possible position to see what I am truly capable of and apprehensive (or petrified) because I know that the success or failure of my season depends all on me.

The weirdness that was 2007 gave me some important insights into who I am as an athlete. I discovered that completing races just to tick them off a list and prove that I could was not meaningful for me. I also came to terms with the fact that if you never really risk anything, you never really gain anything – physically, emotionally or otherwise. What better way to start off the new training season with new questions?

Am I ready to take some risks?

Will I risk setting aggressive goals knowing that I might not reach them?
Will I risk executing an aggressive training plan knowing that it might create conflicts with other people and priorities in my life?
Will I risk participating in challenging workouts with my friend and teammates knowing that I might be the “last one up the hill”?

As I start to answer these questions, I realize that it all comes down to fear. What do I deeply fear? We have all read stories about endurance athletes that talk about “out running” their demons and fears. From time to time, I’ve even been asked, “What are you running from?”

My demons? Primarily there is only one. She is the demon that keeps trying to convince me that I am not enough. It’s not self doubt. She is much more complicated than that. Her main function is to express my duty or the necessity to be more than I am right at this moment. She is the voice that says,”You should be faster or smarter or thinner or whatever.” I have been running to get away from her. I have always visualized her behind me, egging me on and taunting me. I am beginning to see that image hasn’t really worked for me because she is always there. I never really get rid of her. Even in my best performances, she is still there. It kind of reinforces the fact that I will never be good enough because as soon as I stop or slow she catches me. What a buzzkill! I think that we have a choice about how we look at this metaphor. Either you can try to out run your demons OR you can chase them down and kill them.

This year I am sending her out ahead of me. She will be my rabbit. I will chase her every time I get in the pool, or on the bike, or when I lace up my running shoes. Each day I prepare to accomplish the work laid out ahead of me, I will bring to the table everything I am at that moment. It will be in the accomplishing that I will chase her down and in the finishing that I will get rid of her.

So, what is behind me and pushing me along?

I need to live the longest-healthiest life possible, to be with the people I love and give as much back as I possibly can.

I need to “put it all on the line” often enough to know what I am truly capable of at that moment in time and because I like to be seen as capable by other people

I need to achieve something tangible every day and not feel guilty about it

I have a strong desire to do things that are significant and not feel guilty about that either

I have a great 2008 season planned but I need to execute with focus and consistency. I won’t get there if I let my demon chase me all season. I am going to try to keep focused on the four points above and draw on how they make me feel for my motivation. When all else fails, I will remind myself that just showing up with 100% makes me enough.