Enough.
I remember sitting at my desk on December 23rd and looking at the conference table in my office. I had brought all of Carolynn's Christmas presents in to wrap them and they were on the table. I remember thinking, “Is it enough?” I pulled out a little hand written list of everything I wanted to get her and checked off the items one by one. We had a tight budget this year and there was no jewelry or vacation tickets in the pile. I looked up and again I though, “I hope it is enough.” With that I began to load my car and head home for the holiday.
The holiday was really nice, we had Carolynn's brother's family to our house for dinner. I was really excited to cook a fabulous meal for them. I had laid out an elaborate menu with stuffed shrimp, zucchini patties, fillet mignon, mushrooms, the works. Earlier in the week, Carolynn and I got into a stupid little argument over what I was cooking. I was the stupid one in that I got a little indignant because Carolynn suggested Kenny bring a menu item that I felt infringed on what I was planning to cook. It was really pathetic of me. The little uproar blew over as fast as it came and I found myself looking at the slightly smaller menu thinking, “Is this enough?”
I meticulously laid out my triathlon training schedule for 2009, leaving open the possibility of a late September Ironman. As I was going through the training weeks and building up the miles, I would stop and reflect, “Is this enough?” I anticipate joining some of my training friends on rides and runs, after all that social outlet is a big piece of the sport for me. I couldn't help but project my level of fitness at any given moment and wonder, “If it will be enough?” I built in 4 races before my A race, as I usually do and predictably considered, “Is that enough?”
Enough what?
Over the course of the last few weeks, I have thought about all of the times I use the phrase, “Is it enough?” I use it a lot and I began to realize that what I was really asking is, “Am I enough?” In every case, including my triathlon training the amount of something I was doing or planning seemed to directly correlate with my sense of self worth. Discovery is the first step to understanding. I understand that I have a long way to go when it comes to being satisfied with just being. I can conceptually explain the principles of attachment, suffering, and the absence of existence, but I can't seem to get it through my head the simple truth that, in all cases, places, and situations, I am enough.
