Faux-Balance

There are 84 days between the Hyannis marathon and me.  My leg is back to 90% and I’m back to eating well.  I did not run today, but I’ll be ramping back up my running schedule this coming week.  I missed a scheduled 9 miler (not to mention a full week of running), but I’m confident with 12 weeks to go I can pull it off.  After Hyannis, there is Tupper Lake Tri, a handfull of training races, and then .... well, um .... 

I got the new triathlete magazine in the mail yesterday.  I read the article titled “Bookends” first.  It’s very short and talks about the fact that the same coach (Nick White) coached both the first finisher (Craig Alexander) and the very last finisher (Joe Marinucci).  Call me a sap, but I got very choked up reading the juxtaposition of the two men and they day at Kona.  I was equally moved by the fact that Crowie was at the finish line to cheer Joe in and signed his Ironman guide “To the other bookend, well done.”  Name one other sport where the world champion would cheer an average “Joe” on?  I also got very emotional because I thought, that could be me (I mean the one who finishes with only 103 seconds on the clock).  I can’t really put into words why I want to do an Ironman, but when I read a story like this, I feel so drawn to it, inspired by the thought of it.  It makes me feel like I can pretty much do anything.  I looked up at Carolynn and said, “Don’t ever let me give this up.”

As most trifolk, I constantly struggle with balance.  I don’t believe there is a state called balance, by the way, just our endless struggle for it.  It's as if Balance is a desirable thing anyway.  Balance is like a gray zone.  It is just like the imaginary line between cities on a map.  It's there in theory, but can you walk on it?  If you did manage to walk on it, where are you?  You would be nowhere, in neither city, a gray zone.  What makes that a good thing?  I've come to realize that the struggle I have with the idea of balance is more a struggle with presence of mind.

The one thing holding me back from signing up for the Chesapeakeman IM is the fear that I will not be able to keep up the training schedule.  I know that there are plenty of people that have more demanding jobs than I do and less time to devote.  I have a very understanding partner that gives me the latitude to do what I want to do, but how do I overcome the sense of guilt I feel when I step out the door for a 4 hour bike ride (or 5 or 6)?  There is something in my head that gets in the way of being able to separate and partition my time.  When I’m training, all I think about is being home (or occasionally work).  When I am at work or home, I think about training.  I’m obviously not in the moment in either place and consequently, I give off the perception that I would rather be elsewhere.  That’s the problem.  It's not balance, it's presence.  I don't need to learn balance, I need to learn how to be more present in the tasks I have at hand.  If I have set aside training time, I need to be training.  If I have set aside time to be home, I need to be home, both physically and mentally.  Easier said than done. 

A few pages after the “Bookends” article was a letter to the editor titled “Ironman Training and Avoiding Divorce”.  Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Timelines change, Dreams do not

So you may notice I have left my Kona Counter up to the right.  Do I think I can get there in 2009?  I don't know.  I do know that I will get there, so I left it up.

Life happens.  People get sick, injured.  Work demands change.  The stock market slides into the abyss.  So often people will abandon their dreams in amid the chaos of daily life.  When your circumstances change, the dreams and goals you set for yourself can seem like a pinpoint of light in the center of a huge black box.  Whether it is to be a millionaire or an Ironman, setbacks and obstacles are what make the end result that much more prized.  If it were easy, everyone would do it.  How we respond to setbacks and obstacles is what defines and exposes our true character.  

Don't flush your goals just because your timeline has been changed.  Look at it this way: Goals are like a life partner, you need to nurture, support, forgive, and be committed to them, regardless of what life throws at you.  I'll get to kona. Maybe in 2009, maybe in 2029.  My time line is flexible, my goal is not.

Buckeye outdoors - training plans

Hey!

Anyone use BuckeyeOutdoor to log and post training plans?  I'm going to give it a shot and post my first 4 weeks.  I think I can link it here.  

This week has been a total bust.  Work is incredibly busy and I missed my workout today (great week 1 and already behind!) but i am taking the time to really plan my next week.  I really want to do well in Hyannis and I know if i can stay honest and consistent, a 4:30 is in the bag.

It's a sign!

So I ran a 5k in glen cove today, which actually kicked of week 1 of my marathon training for Hyannis.  It was a brand new race and I helped out the race director by donating the finish line food and volunteers from my work.  It was a nice turn out for a first time race; about 200 runners.  The course was uphill for the first 2 miles then down hill for the last.  Very challenging.  I only ran once this week :( and was just looking to do the best I could today.  It would set my benchmark for the next 20 weeks.  I didn't wear a watch, so as i came around the last turn, just before mile 3, I just let it out.  I was running shoulder to shoulder with a woman.  I turned to her and said, "come on and race me!"  We stayed tight right through the finish.  It was actually a lot of fun.  We shook hands at the end and thanked each other for a great finish.  She looked so familiar.  We chatted for a bit and realized that we saw each other at cow harbor 10k a few weeks ago.  It also turns out we have a common friend.  Anyway, as I crossed I looked at the clock, 30:24.  I would have loved to go under 30, but whatever, 30:24 is actually now my PR for a 5K.  I strolled around a bit and said hi to a lot of people and my finish line friend tapped me on the shoulder.  "You finished 3rd in your age group," she said.  Really? me with a 30:24? "No really, I just checked the results."  It was true.  They called my name and I got a medal.  I hate to be a geek here, but it was cool.  There was 12 people in my age group.  The only other time I placed in a race was a 5k where there was only 4 people in my age group.  I was 3rd and #4 was a walker.  I see today's 3rd place as a certain step up from that.

I'm taking this as an omen, a sign from God that I am entering my best season ever with a ton of potential.  I'm in a really good place right now!  (someone may have to remind me about this a few weeks from now.)

Next Steps Forward

OK. I'm ready to move forward, but where? I don't want to wait until next year, so I'm thinking a race is in order.  Since I bailed on NYC this year, I want to race a mary.  I really want to race one under 5 hours (closer to 4:30 actually).  How about a winter marathon?

I started surfing marathonguide.com and other sites and found the Hyannis Marathon.  February 22, 2009 in Hyannis, Massachucetts.  And guess what? It is just 21 weeks away!  Perfect!  I'm in.  That's it, my next step.  Plan to follow.

Starting over, again

Sometimes the only way forward is to back up.

Obviously, I haven't posted in a while.  I had a really awesome time at the Tupper Lake Tinman 1/2 ironman in June.  I finished the race in 7 hours and 14 minutes.  I was happy with that.  It was my first 1/2 and even though it was 14 minutes more than I had wanted, it was fine.  The run was horribly hot and I still had the remnants of an upper respiratory infection.  I finished and I was happy.  You can check out the pics here: Tupper Lake Pictures

My plan was to finish tupper, take off 2 weeks, train for Mightyman 1/2 ironman and the NYC marathon.  I was feeling very strong as I cruised into Tupper Lake.  I had had the best season ever to that point.  Within 2 weeks back from Tupper things began to change.  I was training, but not enjoying it.  My mood began to disintegrate.  My health began to fall apart too.  I felt sick all the time and my training was getting harder to complete.  I could have been over training, but I dialed back a lot.  Even to the point of taking 2 and 3 rest days to try to get my strength back.  There is a difference between tired and exhausted.  I was exhausted.

Perpetually exhausted and unable to train, I finally went to the doctor.  Was it a lack of b12? Anemia? a virus? Cancer (yes, I thought that)?  My Doc is terrific.  He gave me a full physical and ran every blood test available.  He even gave me a b12 shot.  Three days later he called.  "Jen, you are the picture of perfect health."

Now I could laundry list all of the things in my life that have been putting stress on me; work just sucked, Carolynn was facing her 1 year-out-of-chemo PET scan, I needed a breast biopsy, money was getting tighter, but I didn't feel like any of that was in anyway harder than the year before.  I couldn't make sense of it.  When Carolynn started to use words like "fragile" to describe the state I was in, I knew I was heading down a very scary path.  One I've been down before.  I was heading into (or already in) a depression.  

Three years ago I went on effexor at the suggestion of my doctor because I was experiencing very high anxiety and depression.  It helped me tremendously and allowed me to take back my life, get through the rough patch, and eventually come off the medication.  This time i wasn't experiencing the anxiety, but even with the depression, I did not want to go on medication again.  Don't get me wrong.  I wasn't sitting around crying everyday and I did have a quite "typical" affect most of the time.  I even had a few really good days, but I knew something was wrong and I also knew I couldn't think my way out of it.  It can be very scary.  Thank God for Carolynn.  So patient with me through all of this.  She never got mad or lost her temper.  I knew she was worried about me.  I still can't say exactly what brought me out of it, but I have to believe she had a lot to do with it.

It seemed like after the doctor called with his good health dx and my breast biopsy came back negative, I started to improve.  Carolynn encouraged me to start taking more vitamins which included l-tryptophan at bed time.  I made the decision to run the cow harbor 10K despite the fact that I hadn't trained for it, mostly because I needed the camaraderie.  That went well, all things considered and by some miracle, I shaved a minute off my best time on that course.  Then there was last Friday.  It was raining.  I wanted to go for a run.  I did.  I forgot how much I enjoyed running in the rain.  I felt like my old self again.  Back at my house after 3 wet miles, I sat on my stoop and thought, "Well to go forward from here, I've got to start back at the beginning again."

Here I am.  Back at the beginning and ready to move forward again. 

Milestones

Milestones aren’t always personal records or huge significant events. What constitutes a one persons milestone is a very personal thing. Actually, how we define forward movement along any given path we travel says a lot about what’s important to us, how we feel about our journey, and sometimes, what we see as points of no return. None the less, milestones, like mile markers in a race, break life into digestible pieces. Some miles are good, others maybe not so much.

Here are my milestones at the middle of week 4 in my 20 week half iron distance training program:

I made it this far.
I got through my first real brick workout with minimal discomfort
I ran my first double digit LSD 2 weeks earlier than planned
I missed my first workout due to overdoing a previous one and frying my legs (See above for reference)
I had my first back/neck strain from my swim form collapsing during a longish set
I paid my money and locked in entry for the Tupper Lake Tinman ½ Iron man, NYC marathon, and Gold Coast Triathlon

There they are. Some good, some not so good, some points-of –no-return, all represent forward motion of my goals.

There have been times in a race, especially early on in long ones, when I barely notice the mile markers. I have often thought to myself that was a good thing. It meant that I was doing my thing and not obsessing about where I was at any given moment. Towards the end though, I am waiting (maybe praying) to see the markers on the horizon. As in, “Where the hell is mile 23!!!!” I’m a triathlete, a marathoner! I crave the passing of mile markers. It’s like a drug. When they don’t come on the schedule I want, I begin withdrawal symptoms; restlessness, slight panic, and despair. Then boom, my mile marks shows up and all is well with the world.

When you do something for a long time and you don’t see forward motion or progress as quickly as you want, you can get pretty desperate in your thinking. I have recently found this applies to everything thing in life; including work. It takes a funny mix of drive and patience not to make yourself crazy trying to balance forward movement of your career (or project, or department) and the delay we often encounter in meeting self imposed milestones. It’s like getting yourself to put one foot in front of the other at mile 20-something with no sign of a mile marker anywhere. You just have to trust it’s out there ahead of you. You have to trust the route you have chosen. You have to be in the moment of the journey, where you are. In life, business, relationships, and races, each step can be a milestone. Some good, some not so good, some points-of –no-return, all represent forward motion.